Moving tips

When the movers have their hands full with heavy things, help them keep cool by spraying cool water into their eyes.

The last thing to do when you leave your old apartment is to place a bowl of potato salad on the kitchen counter for the next tenant as a "Welcome!" It's good karma.

When tipping your movers, it's a mark of distinction if the quarters are freshly minted (current year).

Christopher Hitchens on graffiti

I missed this when it first appeared on, but found it published in The Best American Magazine Writing 2008: Christopher Hitchens on the subject of bathroom graffiti, inspired by the 2007 "wide stance" incident of Senator Larry Craig.
The graffiti in cottages [British gay slang for public bathrooms] was all part of the fun: On the toilet wall at Paddington Station was written: "I am 9 inches long and two inches thick. Interested?" Underneath, in different handwriting: "Fascinated, dear, but how big is your dick?"

Nose Down, Eyes Up by Merrill Markoe

Gil, who converses with his dogs, has a problem with Dink, the dog who can't remember the difference between "inside" and "outside."
...the other dogs all ran out into the yard. Only Dink stopped and came over to consult with me for a minute.

"Right now: Are we inside or outside?" she asked.

"You're inside," I said.

"Oh, good," she said, as she began to squat and pee.

"NOOO," I said, picking her up and quickly carrying her outside, where I deposited her on the lawn. "Pee outside."

"Right. Right. Got it," she said as she squatted on the grass.
"Okay. I have one other question about being here," said Dink. "Should I pee in the outside where the trees are or the outside where the stove is?"

"The stove is inside," I sighed.

"Right, right, I knew that," said Dink. "I got confused for a second because I always pee wherever there are rugs."

"Yes, but that is always wrong," I said. "Rugs are inside."

"When did that start?" said Dink.
-- from the novel Nose Down, Eyes Up, by Merrill Markoe