Giant duck

Walking out of the grocery store, I saw something and my brain's first response was "Giant duck!" It was only an obese woman whose most prominent clothing was an oversize white golf shirt and orange Crocs.

Will

The air conditioning has kept the office so cold I started drinking hot tea and warming my fingers around the mug. I held my hand over the hot mug and figured that's about as close as I'll get to feeling like G. Gordon Liddy, who proved his manhood to his own satisfaction by holding his hand over an open flame until it burned. "The trick is not minding," Liddy said (or waiting until the tea cools a little, in my case).

I'd be so much fun at a Tony Orlando concert

Here's the start of the lyrics to "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Ole Oak Tree":

I'm coming home I've done my time
And I've got to know what is or isn't mine
If you received my letter
Telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'd know just what to do
If you still want me
If you still want me

Oh tie a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do you still want me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree

I heard that part where the singer says "It's been three long years" and I wondered what he was incarcerated for. If it was a federal crime, apparently he was in prison for either assault or money laundering, according to averages from the U.S. Sentencing Commission's Sourcebook of Federal Sentencing Statistics. For the record, here are definitions (from the site public.FindLaw.com) of the crimes in question:

In most states, an assault/battery is committed when one person 1) tries to or does physically strike another, or 2) acts in a threatening manner to put another in fear of immediate harm.

Money laundering statutes make it a crime to transfer money derived from almost any criminal activity (including organized crime, white-collar offenses, and drug transactions) into seemingly legitimate channels, in an attempt to disguise the origin of the funds.

Tony Orlando and Dawn recorded the best-known version of the song, but it was also recorded by Jim Nabors, Perry Como, and Lawrence Welk. Good luck picturing any of those people beating on somebody or laundering drug money.

Bus driver please look for me
'Cause I couldn't bare to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison
And my love she holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's all I need to set me free
I wrote and told her please

Oh tie a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree
It's been three long years
Do you still want me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon
'Round the old oak tree

Now the whole damn bus is cheering
And I can't believe I see
A hundred yellow ribbons
'Round the old, the old oak tree

Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree