I own this town

At the office recently Dave said to me, "I saw you with what must've been your parents over the weekend."


"You were standing at a corner on Michigan Avenue."

"Oh yeah, they came to town to visit for a day and at that point we were on our way to Tucci Benucch for supper. Where were you? I didn't see you."

"I went by in a cab. I was going to roll down my window as I went by and yell 'McCluskey, you suck!'"

That would've been great: I would've recognized Dave but my parents wouldn't know him and I could've said something like "Oh yeah, that's why they call me the King of Michigan Avenue."

Forgot my manners

On Friday a bunch of us went over to Lake Michigan at lunchtime to watch the jets and planes practice for the Chicago Air and Water Show this weekend. Some planes would do acrobatics and some jets would roar over our heads in tight formation. As soon as we all sat down on the steps at the lakefront some planes screamed by, and I said, "Go faster!" Next to us was a middle-aged guy and his female companion. He was a barrel-chested squinty mouth-breather and he stared at me for the longest time. Jeez Louise, mister, it was just a joke.

How true, how wise

This text about a Yahoo "Pick of the Day" (Link) asserts that, "Perhaps... we all could learn something from the birds." Well, yes.
* How to fly
* How to eat a worm
* How to crap on the heads of strangers
* How to bathe in public
* How to push an egg out of your butt
* How to circle around the heads of people who just suffered a concussion

Facial profiling

Long ago, in a college class, the professor interrupted a discussion to ask why my mind was wandering. This disturbed me for days because I thought I had set my facial expression to be neutral as I daydreamed.

In the 1990s, I thought my girlfriend had a strong sense of "women's intuition" because she would look at me and respond to what I was thinking but not saying. Later I realized it wasn't intuition; it was just easy for anyone to read my face.

At the office, Dave gave me a piece of candy and asked a couple other people to watch my face. (Was I self-conscious? No, I crave attention.) The candy was called Warheads and it started out sweet and when it turned extra sour, everybody could tell just by watching me. Ah, good times.

Lately I've noticed how expressive my face is even when there's nobody else around. Reading or watching TV, my lips get twisted or my eyebrows point northeast and southwest as I react to what I see. Just writing this, it's happening again. Why are my facial muscles always working so hard? Would it be OK if i just start wearing a mask in public? Something unobtrusive? Maybe a flesh-colored mask? That wouldn't look conspicuous, would it?