His words, not mine

On a local radio news story tonight, a man who earned money solely through cleaning car windshields called himself "an independent entre-manure."

It's curtains for me

I'm looking for curtains for the new condo before I move in, and I look online for local merchants. I find one likely store via Google, and it's not too far from here. I search for more information on the store, which is named after the proprietor. Eight sites come up. Most are just telephone listings and the like, but here's something interesting on the city's online police blotter: The proprietor was arrested at his own store two years ago for domestic battery. He's in his late fifties.

Hm. I picture myself at his store, and I can't make up my mind which draperies and hardware to choose out of the thousands of choices. The old guy starts punching me on the shoulder, saying "Just pick one sonny, they're all pretty good!" Then he starts hitting a little harder, asking me to "get the lead out, slow-poke." I imagine me leaving the store, sheltering my head from little bappity-baps as Mr. Storekeeper chases me with a flimsy piece of a mini-blind.

(I ended up going to Home Depot.)

The spouse card

At the discount store there was a woman attempting to return a men's overcoat for a refund. Maybe the man who wore the coat had damaged the garment somehow, because the clerk wouldn't take it back. The clerk was very apologetic and the woman wouldn't give up. After a few minutes the customer raised her voice and announced, "Well, my husband is an attorney... and he will be VEH-ry upset!" Nevertheless, she didn't get the refund.

Still, maybe this would work in other situations. "My spouse is an attorney, and he (she) will be VEH-ry upset!" Try it if the judge won't let you out of jury duty. I don't know that this approach would work any better if the spouse had another profession.

"Our federal tax return is going to be audited? Well... my wife runs a pet store and, heh heh, she is going to be LIVID!"

"This car repair is going to cost $2,500? Well, my husband is a pianist... and he will be EXTREME-ly perturbed!"

Always the smartass

I keep forgetting that this one nice lady at work must have a sense of humor that does not overlap with mine. I get a puzzled reaction when she says that she likes my silk necktie and I reply, "Oh thank you, it's made from a material that shoots out of worm butts."

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